I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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