You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
