after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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