She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
