I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
