sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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