I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
