we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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