You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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