So many bounce houses so little time
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
