I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
