He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
there is glitter all over my balls
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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