you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
