mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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