I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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