i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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