Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That accounts for only three of the penises
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
