so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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