Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
