K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
