He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
