I wannas sexs uuuuu
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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