I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
