we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
