I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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