I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
