Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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