watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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