he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Vodka?
Forever.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
