girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
