areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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