Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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