I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
