My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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