You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
