As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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