I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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