Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
