Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
