I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
