I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
