ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
