I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
