I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
