the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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