If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Everything about him screamed your future.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
