I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
