Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
