I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
