you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
