Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
