I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
